11 Aug Talking to your kids about race and racism at any age: How to start the important conversation and keep it going
It can be hard to talk to your children about racism. Some parents worry about exposing their children to issues like racism and discrimination at an early age. Others shy away from talking about something they might not fully understand or don’t feel comfortable discussing. Yet others, especially those who have experienced racism, simply do not have such choices.
Conversations about racism and discrimination will look different for each family. While there is no one-size-fits-all approach, the science is clear: the earlier parents start the conversation with their children the better.
Children are never too young to learn about diversity. Babies notice physical differences, including skin color, from as early as 6 months. Studies have shown that by age 5, children can show signs of racial bias, such as treating people from one racial group more favorably than the other. Ignoring or avoiding the topic isn’t protecting children, it’s leaving them exposed to bias that exists wherever we live. Children who encounter racism can be left feeling lost while trying to understand why they are being treated a certain way, which in turn can impact their long-term development and well-being. Being silent cannot be an option.
As parents and caregivers, we have to bring confidence in ourselves and in our children — that we, and they, can handle tough topics and tough situations. We have to understand that our role is to be honest, specific, and trustworthy as we raise the next generation to confront racial injustice.
Here are some age-appropriate ways to start that conversation and explain that racism is always wrong:
Under 5 years
At this age, children may begin to notice and point out differences in the people they see around them. As a parent, you have the opportunity to gently lay the foundation of their worldview. Use language that’s age-appropriate and easy for them to understand.
- Recognize and celebrate differences – If your child asks about someone’s skin color, you can use it as an opportunity to acknowledge that people do indeed look different, but to point out things we have in common. You could say, “We are all human, but we are all unique, isn’t that amazing”!
- Be open – Make it clear that you’re always open to your children’s questions and encourage them to come to you with them. If your children point out people who look different – as young children can often do from curiosity – avoid shushing them or they will start to believe that it’s a taboo topic.
- Use fairness – Children, especially those around 5, tend to understand the concept of fairness quite well. Talk about racism as unfair and unacceptable and that’s why we need to work together to make it better. Remember it’s okay not to have all the answers.
6-11 years
Children this age are better at talking about their feelings and are eager for answers. They are also becoming more exposed to information they may find hard to process. Start by understanding what they know.
- Be curious – Listening and asking questions is the first step. For example, you can ask what they’re hearing at school, on television, and through social media.
- Discuss the media together – Social media and the internet may be one of your children’s main sources of information. Show interest in what they are reading and the conversations they are having online. Find opportunities to explore examples of stereotypes and racial bias in the media, such as “Why are certain people depicted as villains while certain others are not?”.
- Talk openly – Having honest and open discussions about racism, diversity, and inclusivity builds trust with your children. It encourages them to come to you with questions and worries. If they see you as a trusted source of advice, they are likely to engage with you on this topic more.
12+ years
Teenagers can understand abstract concepts more clearly and express their views. They may know more than you think they do and have strong emotions on the topic. Try to understand how they feel and what they know, and keep the conversation going.
- Know what they know – Find out what your children know about racism and discrimination. What have they heard on the news, at school, from friends?
- Ask questions – Find opportunities such as events in the news for conversations with your children about racism. Ask what they think and introduce them to different perspectives to help expand their understanding.
- Encourage action – Being active on social media is important for many teenagers. Some may have begun to think about participating in online activism. Encourage them to do so as an active way to respond and engage with racial issues.
Other than straight-up conversations, what you can incorporate in your day-to-day life to make a lasting impact
Celebrate diversity
Try to find ways to introduce your child to diverse cultures and people from different races and ethnicities. Such positive interactions with other racial and social groups early on help decrease prejudice and encourage more cross-group friendships.
You can also bring the outside world into your home. Explore food from other cultures, read their stories, and watch their films.
Be conscious of racial bias in books and films and seek out ones that portray people from different racial and ethnic groups in varied roles. Consider stories that feature minority actors playing complex or leading characters. This can go a long way in confronting racial and discriminatory stereotypes.
Feel empowered to ask teachers and caregivers lots of questions
If your children are in school, find out from their teacher about how racism is covered in class and school rules and regulations to prevent and deal with it. Join parent groups to share resources and concerns with teachers and school leadership.
Explore the past together to better understand the present
Historical events like the end of apartheid in South Africa, the civil rights movement in the United States, and other movements for equality around the world remain symbols of a traumatic past that societies are still recovering from. Understanding them together can shine a light on how far we’ve come and how much further we still have to go. These shared experiences can further help your child build trust and openness to different perspectives.
You are the example your child follows, work to get outside your homogeneous bubble
Parents are children’s introduction to the world. What they see you do is as important as what they hear you say.
In helping your child recognize and confront racial bias, you should first consider your own — does your friend circle or people you work with represent a diverse and inclusive group?
Take every opportunity to challenge racism, demonstrate kindness, and stand up for every person’s right to be treated with dignity and respect.
‘Move against the walkway’ and teach kids to be actively anti-racist
To ignore our past and deny our present is to damage our future … and rob our children of the chance to change it for the better. That change starts with us, as parents, teachers, and caregivers. The next generation deserves nothing less.
Get involved in anti-racist action together. Kids this age are ready to join parents to take concrete action. Take kids to protests, work with kids to write letters to legislators, and talk to kids about donations you’re making.
Answer honestly when questions come up about police brutality and protests
No parent wants their child to see the George Floyd video. And it can be hard to explain to a young child why people are out on the streets protesting. But if they’re inadvertently exposed to the video, ask about police shootings and protests or even ask you, “Can this happen to me or you?”. Discuss it honestly, but in an age-appropriate way, and emphasize how it’s not fair.
Reassure kids that they are safe by emphasizing that you, as their mom, dad, or caregiver, are working hard to create change and make their world better. You might say to your child, “I’m here to protect you. And I’m going to make sure that those bad things never happen to you.”
Black parents in particular need to teach their older children what they need to know and do to be safe outside of the home, especially when it comes to interactions with the police. These are difficult conversations, if you don’t have them, then you run the risk of leaving your child vulnerable.
Continue to educate yourself
One of the main ways white parents will be able to teach their children to be anti-racist is by continuing to educate themselves. Engage in constant learning to “better reflect the values on anti-racism, allyship, tolerance, and diversity that you want to reflect on your children.”
It’s okay if you’re struggling to cope
This is one of the more challenging times in modern history to be a parent. Parents must take care of themselves to take care of their children, especially in the current environment.
We are dealing with the pandemic, plus experiencing the effects of an economic recession and all the racially charged violence. Lean on your support system — your family members, your friends. Therapy services can also help you to process this more deeply.
Just breathe deeply and work for change.
Sources:
Talking to your kids about racism
Talking to Young Children About Race and Racism
Talking to kids about race and racism with Dr. Beverly Daniel Tatum
How white parents can teach their kids to be anti-racist
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